Theater etiquette...

Last night Dean and I emerged from hibernating in our townhouse, and decided to get a little culture by taking in a movie, and what better way to get culture than by seeing The Hulk. We smuggled in our Mike and Ikes and Sour Patch Kids (heavens knows I will NEVER pay their 1,980,765% markup on candy at the theater but I will begrudginly pay any percentage markup on wonderful, buttery, golden movie popcorn) and we go to our theater and sit down down in the perfect seats and the previews start 1 minute later. Half of going to a movie for us is just for the previews. We love to get a quick 30 second teaser of what is going to be coming out in the next 5 years because it seems that that's about how long it is from the time you see the preview until the time it actually gets released in theaters. Anyways, our movie starts after watching previewy goodness and about 5 seconds in to it I have to whip my head to the right to glare at someone who isn't shutting up. Oh yeah, it turns out it's a little 5 or 6 year old boy that is sitting probably 7 seats away from me. The next hour and a half he must have been 'shushed' by myself and a guy sitting in front of us at least 15 times but do you think that this little kid ever lowered his voice? No. He did not. At all. And to top it off, he was sitting next to his dad and heaven forbid that his dad tell him to be quiet or take him out for not quieting down. The dad was too engrossed in the movie to even notice that his son was on everyone's nerves. And to top it off, the kid wasn't just whispering questions or exclamations, he was all but yelling them. "WHAT'S THAT?" "IS HE DEAD?" "IS HE DEAD NOW?" "IS THAT A BAD GUY DAD? DAD! I SAID IS THAT A BAD GUY?" "I WANT A DRINK!" "WHOA! THE HULK IS BIG!" "CAN I HAVE A HULK? DAD? DAD! I SAID CAN I HAVE A HULK?" At which point I was more into fantacizing about turning into a She-Hulk myself and going over to him and chucking him through the movie screen, through the concrete wall, and into the parking lot. I know everyone in the theater would have appreciated it, and I would have gotten a standing ovation and of course his dad wouldn't have even noticed that his son was gone. And I would have scored myself some free popcorn that was the kids'. We all win.

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Now, for my 5 cardinal rules of theater attending:

1. If you have a child that is disruptive during a grown up movie, say something to them. I undestand if a kid is little and is watching Wall-E or Over the Hedge and being loud, but chances are that any movie I am in will not be little kid-ish. Threaten them within an inch of their life if you have to. Bind and gag them. Do what you have to. Just know that I did not pay to listen to someone do voice over commentary during the movie.
2. Do not answer your cell phone during a movie. Ever. Even if you think you're answering it very quietly to tell someone "I'm in a movie and I'll call you right back", the entire audience can hear you and the person on the other end of the line. Plus, your illuminated screen is brighter than you think and it draws attention.
3. Do not put your feet on the back of my chair. That'll earn you a whack on the foot.
4. Do not sit directly behind me or in the seat immediately next to me when the entire rest of the theater seats are empty. Would I come and sit right next to you on a bus when every other seat is open? No, no I would not.
5. Do not allow a group of more than 3 teenagers to sit together as that is a recipe for nonstop talk. I will come and sit inbetween them and spit in their popcorn to get them to scatter if it needs be.

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Obey them. Or you will get the wrath of the She-Hulk.