Sometimes....

Sometimes Leah makes me laugh until I cry when she climbs up on top of the highest semi sure footed object in the room and proudly yells "MEEEEEEEE!".

Sometimes I think not nice words in my head when my children stain my clothes with their grubby little pasta sauce covered hands and mouths.

Sometimes Leah mopes around for no reason at all.  It's hilarious.

Sometimes I look at my never ending to-do pile that I avoid and want to chuck it across the room.

Sometimes I literally feel like I can't contain the excitement and love that builds up in my chest when Landon smiles at me.  

Sometimes I wish the man who invented PlayDoh would have never been born after I see it ground into my carpet.

Sometimes I stop and take a good long look at the picture of my Mom on my mantel and wish she wouldn't have died.

Sometimes Kara does back somersault splits off the couch, and she's freakishly good at them.

Sometimes I wish I could sing well enough to sing a solo in public, i.e. church.  I belt it out in my van, but that's about it; my vocal confidence doesn't permeate beyond the confines of my minivan.

Sometimes I wish that I liked cooking.  I like baking, not a fan of cooking.

Sometimes Dean gets up with Landon in the middle of the night so I can continue sleeping.  Bless that man.

Sometimes I wish that the tv cable company would let us subscribe to only HGTV.  I don't want the other 500 channels, I only want HGTV.  I would pay $15 per month for just that 1 channel. 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so hard on myself.

Sometimes I love building train tracks with Kara and having her line up ABC animals on them so that the train coming can "feed the animals".

Sometimes I wish I was a better sister.

Sometimes I realize how fleeting this stage in my life is, the stage of having newborns and toddlers and preschoolers, and I savor those stages.

Sometimes I wish this stage would hurry up.

Sometimes I tear up when Kara and Leah go pick dandelions for me, and ask me if I love them as they hand them to me with such proud smiles.

Sometimes I smile when Kara prays "that we don't drink tea and coffee, that we got a pony at a garage sale, and that we have bear" in every.single.prayer.

Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and exasperated by the end of the day that I know the healthy outlet would be to have a big ugly cry to get it out but instead I sublimate my rage and ball it up in my chest and shut down. Not so healthy.

Sometimes I wish I did more service for others.

Sometimes I wish that I had a weekly housekeeper.

Sometimes I yell at other stupid drivers when my children aren't in the van with me.

Sometimes I'll go 3 or 4 weeks without shaving my legs.  And I'm ok with that.  It's been 3 weeks so far.

Sometimes I think I see spiders or bugs crawling in my peripheral vision, but nothing's there when I look. 

Sometimes I think that I'm the only mommy with young children who feels like she loses her patience too often with her kids.

Sometimes I feel like the best and most loved mommy in the world when I instigate and play the "Let's hide! Tell mommy what animal's going to get us!" game on my bed while Kara, Leah, and I dive under the covers and laugh our heads off together..

Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of Dean and I talking in bed.

Sometimes Dean falls asleep in the middle of us talking in bed.

Sometimes I look at my children sleeping, and I am so happy that their biggest concern that day was whether or not they got to go to the park and if they get a Dora fruit snack or a Disney princess fruit snack.

Sometimes I get way too stressed out over trivial things.

Sometimes I'm very chill and go with the flow.

Sometimes I will fall asleep on the couch and without asking, Dean stays up until midnight hand washing all of the baby bottles and all of my pumping supplies.

Sometimes Landon grunts so loud in his sleep that it wakes me up.  He's a loud grunty sleeper.

Sometimes life gets to me and I wish things were different.  I wish I handled things and situations and conversations differently. I wish I had closer relationships with some people.  I wish I was a better mom.  I wish I was a better wife.  I wish I was a better sister, daughter, in-law, niece, cousin, etc.  I wish I was a better friend. I wish I was a better person.  I'm doing what I can with what I have right now, at this insanely busy time in my life with 3 kids 3 and under.  I'm not going to say "I'm doing my best" because that's not always true.  Some days I only have so much to give, some days I purposely hold back, but some days I truly do try my best.  And those days where I truly try my best are the better days in my book.  The days where I push myself a little more out of my comfort zone, when I tackle just 1 little project that I've been avoiding, when I don't say "just a minute" when my kids want to play with me right that very second, where I bake cookies just because, when I stop and hug Dean instead of us walking by eachother to go help one of the kids for the 173rd time that day, when it's more important to turn off the tv and let my kids tackle and jump on me as I lay on the floor and then go hold my newborn son and feel his body melt against my chest as he tries to hold up his flailing head. Those are the best days.

Sometimes I realize I'm human.